There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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