Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
