I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
