I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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