I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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