If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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