dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
