So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize