Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
