I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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