I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
this hospital has no fireball
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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