You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
