First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize