Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
