I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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