What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
