Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
