I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
