Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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