I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
