i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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