he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
