You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
