there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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