We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
