Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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