Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
