That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
