My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
