you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
