My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
