We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
