I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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