My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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