I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
