How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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