somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
