There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
