Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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