I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I love black thongs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
