I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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