I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
