Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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