eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
