the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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