He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
