Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
