he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
