So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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