so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
