So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
