the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So vagazzling was a success
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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