Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
