you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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