i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
