At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize