I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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