do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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